Pirates (2005)

Based on: Pirates of the Caribbean (2003)

The Pirates of the Caribbean series has been a huge hit for both its star Johnny Depp and Disney. And before that was a popular ride at Disneyland since the 60’s. Pirates, produced by Digital Playground, and Adam and Eve, also follows on from this success. Based on the films rather than ride. Though I’m sure in some communities a ride would also be very welcome.

Pirates opens with a young couple who are about to consummate their marriage. Soon after breaking cherries their ship is attacked by the vicious pirate Stagnetti and his band of men (and women). They want the groom, so they can stick a knife in him to locate the location of some treasure they cannot locate. His wife is thrown overboard and the ship is sunk.

Some amount of time later she is picked up by Captain Reynolds, a naive, wannabe pirate hunter with little to no success. He reluctantly takes up the challenge to hunt down Stagnetti and rescue her husband.

Pirates is a highly impressive piece. The sets and costumes are very well done, with the exterior ship set being the best. Though it did help with the fact that those scenes were shot on a actual replica of the HMS Bounty. They apparently neglected to mention to the owners that the particular film that they were shooting would be slightly pornographic.  

The plot follows some similarities with the first Pirates of the Caribbean film however the Johnny Depp, Jack Sparrow inspired character, Stagnetti, now becomes the villain, with little to no redeeming features. The hero of the story is now Reynolds, played by Evan Stone, who surprisingly is quite a good and likeable character actor. 

Sex scenes: The sex scenes typically seem to last just under or around 10 minutes. Which seems like a good length. We get time for a good variety of couplings and the plot doesn’t at all seem rushed to move on to the next one. They do seem to have taken their time to give the story space. A lot of parodies and indeed other story driven porno’s seem to follow a formal of 5 minutes of story followed by 30 minutes of sex. Which probably begs the question, how much sex is enough for a single scene?

With the sex itself we get plenty of straight couples, a FFM threesome and three, yes three, lesbian scenes. Which completely surprised me. A lot of the time we are lucky to get one. The actual sex does however seem a bit too aggressive for my liking. There’s quite a bit of flipping bodies over, grabbing by the neck and choking on dick. Jesse Jane gets so much dick down (or up in this case) her throat I can’t tell if she's trying also give the guys balls a lick atthe same time or just swallow them as well. The lesbian scenes as well could do with a bit more sensuality, instead we get a lot of flipping, throwing, grabbing. Everyone seems to be in a rush to take everything all at once. One scene features Jenaveve Jolie (the only non-blonde woman in the film) with Carmen Luvana, enacting some girl on girl at a bachelor party, I found this to be one the best sex scenes of the film, maybe also because Jolie was probably my favourite gal of the film, though I was a bit put off with the over the top “yars” and pirate talk from the men watching.

The film is undeniably well made. And at a budget of $1 million, you would expect so. It has a kind of quality a TV movie or any straight to video release should aim for. And it was well received as well, winning several awards. An R-rated version was also released, quite possibly to push the film into other markets, such as late night TV, or possibly for those who want to watch a porno but without all those off putting sex scenes. A follow up was soon made, and like with most sequels it tried to up the ante with a budget of $8 million, making it possibly one of the most expensive films ever made. I have yet to see it, but I have seen the trailer and it looks like a definite sex fest. Pirates is the film that anyone making a porn parody should aspire to. 

Official Psycho Parody (2010)

Based on: Psycho (1960)

Warning: Spoilers!

For some of these porno parody reviews I aim to look at the films they are based on beforehand. However this time I decided to instead watch Gus Van Sant’s 1999 remake of the classic film. Mainly because A: I have seen Hitchcock’s original and B: I’ve never seen the remake. Van Sant’s version is actually a shot by shot remake so it’s kind of like watching the original. When asked for a reason why he did this, he essentially said so it would be like watching the original but in colour with a modern cast. So really it’s a very expensive way to colourise a film. It’s certainly an unusual approach to remaking a film but historically things like this have been done before. Back in the 30’s Laurel and Hardy would reshot scenes in multiple languages to help market their films for foreign markets. And Universals Dracula was practically remade whilst the original was being made. In the daytime the famous Bela Lugosi film was being shot and at night on the same sets the Spanish version was made. A very time consuming and expensive way to dub a film. Although Hollywood practically does this with foreign films all the time.

Van Sant’s remake was considered sacrilege by critics and filmmakers, both before and after it was made. Many consider Psycho to be Hitchcock’s masterpiece and should be left alone. But Van Sant promoted his shot by shot remake as an experiment, in to what I don’t know. I guess the mastery of Hitchcock’s filmmaking. However this just made people think that it wasn’t just sacrilege but also very pointless. It isn’t exactly though a 100% copy, there are some artistic differences. The film is now set in the modern era, the script has been tweaked (by the original scriptwriter no doubt) and a handheld camera is used in some scenes. Some of the actors have chosen to make their characters their own whilst some have tried to imitate the originals as much as possible, making the acting sometimes feel very strange. Less like the cast are playing characters rather than playing other actors playing a character. There are a lot of shots that standout as they are plain imitations the iconic shots of the original such as the cop staring directly at Marion as she wakes in her car, or the ceiling shot of Norman carrying his mother downstairs.

From the moment the opening credits roll Van Sant’s film latches tightly onto Hitchcock’s mastery. The Saul Bass credit sequence, backed by Bernards Herman score, appears almost exactly as the original but with some added green. We then get a admittedly very impressive helicopter shot flying past the tall buildings of Phoenix and straight through the window of the seedy hotel where the film begins. A shot that was near impossible back in Hitchcock’s day. Viggo Mortensen mumbles through his dialogue, seriously I just couldn’t make out what he was saying in this film. But it seems to be very same-y. The colours really pop out being a stark contrast to the original black and white, which I believe was an artistic choice rather than a limitation of the day, as Hitchcock had made plenty of colour movies before then (though the budget for Psycho was a lot tighter). As Marion and her boyfriend talk we hear another couple next door having sex, the first indication that this film will make some minor deviations along the way. In fact that is the main deviation; sex. A thing that 1960 was only suggested or hinted at. And it mainly comes from Norman Bates himself. We see the odd porno magazine lying around in his childhood room for one thing and odd flash of a nude woman during one the killing scenes. But the major change is during the peeping scene. Bates plants Marion in the room 1 on purpose, so he can peep on her changing from the parlour next door. Vince Vaughn’s version of Bates seems to want to take this scene further and jacks off seeminglessly without motivation. It was never really made clear that Anthony Perkins version of Bates peeping was even sexual.

Hitchcock’s Psycho is one of those films that many feel should be left untouched, however Gus Van Sant’s isn’t the only one who tried latch on to the classic. Psycho has had three sequel’s and a TV movie spinoff; Bate’s Motel. And more recently had a TV series also called Bate’s Motel. The sequels were fairly low budget affairs that had little input from the original creators (Hitchcock had long past away by this point), and were considered like the remake as pointless. Perkins did reprise his role however the original didn’t really need sequels. It was fairly complete as it is. That said Psycho II is actually a very good film. Not on the same caliber as the original. If perhaps they changed the title and the characters name it could have been considered a horror classic.

Who wants to shack up here?

Now onto the Official Psycho Parody. First of that title. Urk. Nothing sits right with that title. What makes it ‘official’? Is there involvement from Robert Bloch, the writer of the original novel?

Did the makers, Zero Tolerance, reach a licensing agreement with Universal? Maybe when films come out this will be part of the whole merchandising package; soundtrack, novelisation, action figures, porno parody etc… But alas there’s no mention of Universal, or really any association with the original film. So what makes this film official? I don’t really know. It’s really unofficial, like any other porno pardy. And would hurt to add a ‘The’ at the start of the title. Official Psycho Parody, sounds more like a description. And what kind of parody? Most others have at least some mention, XXX, Porn… The cover doesn’t even look like porno, but like a cheap bargain bin horror. Very misleading. So let’s correct that title; The Unofficial Psycho Porn Parody. Surprisingly they have used the same font for the title as the original films.

The original film (and Gus Van Sants remake) followed Marion Crane, who steals a bundle of cash from her work in order to get her boyfriend out of debt. She goes on the lamb, eventually ending up at the Bates Motel. She meets Norman, who lives with his mother and runs the motel. They have dinner and talk. Afterwards she retires and has a shower. The mother, filled with raging jealousy bursts in and the stabs her to death. The main character, who we spend half of the film getting to know is dead. Norman discovers the misdeed and disposes the body. Not long after a detective, Marion's sister and Marion’s boyfriend come looking for answers. Things happen and they discover Norman’s mother has been a shrivel up corpse hidden away in the basement all this time and that it was actual Norman doing the killing, who has assumed his mothers personality.

Before watching this porn parody one thing came to my mind. I’m very likely going to be watching a porno where the main character gets stabbed to death. I didn’t know how I felt like that. Although in most porno’s once they had sex they would very likely not be seen again anyway.

The film starts with a recreation of the famous Saul Bass opening credits, we then meet Marion Crane (Sara Sloane) and her boyfriend in the hotel having their lunchtime affair. There’s no sex to be seen, they’ve already had it. Marion gets back to the office. Her boss comes in with a client, who has an impressive wad (of money). The boss tells her to take it straight to the bank. So off she goes and skips town. Back at the office Marion’s colleague (Katie Jordin) decides to offer herself as an incentive to the ongoing business deal. The three have sex, on Marion desk no doubt. Won’t she be pleased…

She makes it to the Bates Motel, and it looks impressively awful. That doesn’t put her off though and so in she goes. She meets Norman, a man who wears red nail polish, high heals and as she later finds out ladies panties. Marion retires to her bedroom. Norman spies on her through his peephole and lusts over not her but her brooch.  After a while Marion overhears Norman and his mother arguing about crotchless panties (indeed). He then comes a knocking at Marion’s room offering a sloppy sandwich. Unimpressed she accepts it. They go in to the parlour where Norman shows her his crudely stuffed birds. She then spots a more realistic creation sitting in the corner, his old nanny, preserved and taxidermy-ed. This somehow sets her off. Yes in that way. She’s fucking aroused by the sight of her. She demands that Norman screw her. He agrees but only if he gets her brooch and pumps.

A hooker

After the dirty deed is done off she goes to have a shower. You can guess what happens next but her sex scene is done with so It’s fine. And after that dirty deed we meet the Detective, who with Marions boyfriend and sister are trying to find out what had happened to her. The detective is the first to visit Bates, and after he does he goes off to another motel and screws a hooker (Kagney Linn Karter) (who is not in the original film). The sister and boyfriend then see the local Sheriff who explains that Norman grew up always feeling great pressure from his mother, being that she was a fashion diva with very high standards. Which explains the crossdressing elements. They leave and the sheriff ,wearing high heals, screws his wife (Francesca Le), unloading himself on said high heels.

The sister (Breanne Benson) and boyfriend check out Bates house and find Norman entertaining the perfectly preserved dead bodies of his Mother and Marion. Lost for hope, they leave and find the way to overcome the issue and move on is to fuck. And so they do.

what to do.. what to do?

Well I have to admit this film was better than expected. The first time we meet Norman with hints of transvestitism kind of bothered me a bit. It suggest that he was transvestite. However Bates wasn’t so much, it was more a requirement from the Mother personality. However as the twists of the story become apparent it seemed to made sense. And that twist at the end, I absolutely loved it. It was unexpected, probably not original and no doubt done in horror films before. It also explained why we don’t see Norman cleaning up his ‘Mothers’ mess after the shower scene which is a key scene in the original. Along the Marion’s long drive in the original, these are both tension filled scenes that probably aren’t essential when the story is more time limited in a porn. Marion getting aroused by the sight of Norman’s taxidermy work was however extremely weird and disturbing but so is thought of them having sex.

For the most part the locations, costumes and makeup look alright for the era. Maybe the guy playing the boss could have been older, or least not had a modern hairstyle and glasses. Maybe if they threw a stylish wig on him it would looked fine… Sexwise we start off with a threesome and then we get four straight couple scenes. All of which seem to almost follow the same pattern of cunninglingus, blowjob, sex with some ass licking thrown in. The women look fantastic and are a treat to the eyes. The only one who doesn’t see any action (aside from the nanny) is the actress briefly playing the mother in a flashback scene. With her squeaky voice and petite physique I think she would have great to see getting down.

Overall, It’s an entertaining parody with a great twist at the end that should no doubt surprise those who are familiar with the original.

Hand Solo (2018)

Based on: Solo: A Star Wars Story (2018)

Ah Solo. The Star Wars film that not one asked for. A saying that implies that that is a bad thing. However no one really asked the first Star Wars and look how that turned out. But in this case, not many people were too excited about Solo either. But why not, after all Han is one of the most beloved characters. Perhaps it’s Disney’s fault. Ever since they acquired the rights to the franchise they have being going nuts with a new sequel trilogy, Rogue One, Rebels and Resistance animated series and much more on it’s way. They are reeling out an excessive amount in such a small amount of time that it’s given even the most harden fans a bit of fatigue. Plus lumped in with the fact that there had been much disappointment with the way the sequel trilogy was handled, the latest of which had only been released about 6 months before Solo.

I won’t ever proclaim to being the biggest Star Wars fan, but I do love the series. Rebels is a fantastic show and I am hugely looking forward to the Mandalorian series this November. However with Solo, like most, I wasn’t expecting much. There have many story’s already about a young Han, there’s even a Han Solo novel trilogy, so this movie isn’t exactly breaking new ground. Yet it didn’t seem right, perhaps it was someone other than Harrison Ford playing Solo, perhaps it felt like an easy cash in on a beloved character, or perhaps it was just unnecessary. That’s exactly how the prequel trilogy felt to me at times. Unnecessary. It seems to me sometimes that the formula for a Star Wars prequel was to find a spoken line in the original films that refers to the past and make that in to something. When Obi-Wan said, “Your father and I fought in the clone wars,” that become a 5+ season animated series (albeit a very good one). So this film pretty much as expected would be about how Han made the “Kessel run in less than twelve parsecs.” Or at least that was a small part of it. In fact everything you could image a young Han Solo film be about, pretty much happens in this movie. How Han met Chewy, how Han met Lando, how Han first came across the Millennium Falcon, how Han won Falcon from Lando, how Han did the Kessel run… Everything of significance that we all know of Hans past, happens in this movie, and bizarrely all happens in the same week!

Despite that Solo actually is a good movie. It’s at the very least entertaining. I wasn’t disappointed. But still it felt unnecessary, a shameless nostalgia cash in. Speaking of which…

Digital Playgrounds’s Hand Solo. Made just one month before Solo was released this parody follows an original plot but interestingly have a few parallels.

The film on the DVD starts bizarrely with a trailer self promoting itself. After the familar In a Galaxy Long Ago text we go straight into the story. Han Solo (Danny D) works in a dead-end job as a barman in a strip club. He over hears about a job to retrieve some Spice from a cargo ship that has been attacked and abandoned. It’s a job that could lead to fame and fortune, but its also a dangerous job that no one is willing to take. A stripper called Rina (Valentina Nappi) who wields a lightsaber, and may or may not be a Jedi, wants to tag along. There’s a clear sexual tension between the two. The only thing he needs now is a ship. Solo spots his dear old friend Lando (or Bando depending on who’s talking) (Isiah Maxwell) sitting right next to him and sees an opportunity.

At Rina’s insistence they play game of chance. Han isn’t too pleased by the choice of game, but it’s quicker than a game of Sabacc. If Han wins they get to borrow Lando’s ship (a Millennium Falcon clone with wings tacked on), if they loose Lando gets to screw Rina. Lando roles a dice annnnnd he wins.This would of course been a good time for Rina to put her Jedi skills to use and cheat, however we later find that despite all her efforts she’s still quite useless. Even though it would been futile she could of at least tried. But then this is a porno, so screwing comes first. Solo slinks off whilst the two get it on. Rina doesn’t seem too displeased with the outcome, perhaps that’s the way she wanted it. As the two undress, Rina unbuckles her belt carrying her lightsaber and with a great thump tosses it somewhere on the floor. She really is a terrible Jedi. Yes sex is the focus right now, but thats no way to treat a weapon. And you have to be pretty confident in your surroundings to just toss it aside. Anyway half an hour later the story carries on. Whilst Lando basks in the afterglow of poon, Rina grabs the start up codes for his ship. Either way the bet was pure win-win, for her at least.

 Solo, who apparently was going solo on himself the whole time, and Rina ‘borrow’ the ‘Falcon’ and head off to Kessel. Its dashboard comes complete with an array of vintage video game joysticks. They soon meet two of Lando’s crew; a bespectacled lass I believe called Nomi (Athena Palomino), donned in A New Hope era Solo uniform, and a wookie called Screwbacca, who seems to have the hots for Rina. After jumping through hyper space and fighting through an astroid field it’s high time for more sex. This time it’s Han and Nomi. Rina and Screwy also do get it on, but that encounter is left to our imaginations.

After the session is complete they make it to the abandoned cargo ship. They are soon finished but have to hurry as their oxygen tanks are almost empty. Suddenly Boba (or Choda) Fett turns up with a red chick (Carly Rae), who also want the booty. Han throws away his oxygen mask away as that seems to no longer be an issue. They duke it out until the Empire turns up. Boba flees in the Falcon taking the girls with him, Whilst Han and Screwy are captured. The red alien chick doesn’t much appreciate working for Boba and so teams up with Rina and Nomi to save Han and Screwball. Reddy and Nomi offers Fett their bodies if he agrees to turn the ship around. Another thump is heard giving me deja vu, this time Nomi throwing aside her glasses. What’s with these girls? After the threeway, they go back and save the day. In which Rina finally proves herself to have some sort of Jedi powers by making her saber fly into her grasp. Reunited, Han and Rina have sex, whilst no doubt everyone else waits around so they can at last leave. The film ends with everyone having a celebration party back at the strip club. With Black Sun, the gang who wanted the spice in the first place, pleased it looks like more work is on the way for Solo from the Hutts.

There are a few similarities with the film it’s based on, they seem to check a few of the same expected plot points. How Han met Chewy, the 12 parsec thing and even both ending with them being in line for more work from the Hutts. Han even dons the iconic ensemble we see in Star Wars being a good lead in. Which seems to fit fine being it used to be Nomis. The film is also littered with familiar lines from the original series; “Never tell me the odds,” “Aren’t you a bit short for a Storm trooper?” etc… Which seems like a good nod, however kind of feels out of place. The set pieces and costumes are all fantastic, especially the Wookiee costume, and I was quiet impressed with the battle scenes on board the ships. Outside the ships we see some pretty basic but respectable CGI, however its kept to minimal and is in keeping with the budget. If I was to change anything it would perhaps have a few external shot scenes on a planet, however this doesn’t particularly fit in with the plot.

On to the actors; For Solo we have a fairly international cast; American, British and Italian. Quality of acting varies, some great, some poor. Nappi’s accent sometimes makes it hard to hear what shes actually saying. Danny D, I must does a good job as the young Solo. The girls are overall pretty good looking, I especially like Nappi and she’s looks fantastically sexy in her uniform. I wish I could of seen more of the British woman (not sure of her name) at the end who played the Imperial Officer, however she stays fully clothed.

Sex scene wise we get 3 M/F couples and one M/F/F threesome. Its mainly standard stuff, perhaps they could have been cut down and bit and given a bit more variety. I felt the threeway has deeply lacking in girl on girl interaction, though the whole point of the scene was to please Fett, not each other. And of course this is just my personal preference. The final scene could would have made a fantastic orgy scene especially if it included the girls we don’t see get naked. Maybe we could even see Screwy get some action, or would that be too weird?

Despite all that its a very accomplished piece, but then this isn’t DPs first foray into the world of Star Wars as they have had two other titles, Star Wars: The Last Temptation and a piece with original characters; Star Wars: Underworld. If they made another, I would certainly welcome it. And I should also mention the DVD artwork is too a fantastic imitation of the Solo poster. I’d say if you had DVD sitting on your shelf it would be quite a while before someone noticed it was porn.

Rockey X: The Final Round (1988)

Based on: Rocky series (1976-present)

Bizarrely the opening has a different spelling for Rockey.

So first off, I have not seen the first film. Second; this is a sequel. Probably should have mentioned that first. Of course there’s always that joke when it comes to porno, “Oh I haven’t seen the previous films so I might not follow the story. LOL.” However this isn’t Spooge Tits Part 32, or any nonsense like that. No. It’s Rockey X, and it has a story, albeit a very simple one. And thankfully you pretty much get the gist of the originals story.

The film starts with boxer Rockey Laguna (Jerry Butler) bedridden after getting brutally beaten by Drax Spago (Buck Adams), loosing the title. Waking up from unconsciousness he is immediately told his beloved wife was killed in a car accident. Upon hearing this, Laguna instantly reminisces getting blown by her. However before all that we are introduced to this nemesis Drax Spago, who is dressed like a reject from Warriors with a rather flashy fishing lure hanging from his face. He’s busy growling at a poor woman to stop touching him, but instead simply bite his cock off. We can instantly get an idea of what kind of guy he is, a total dick.

“Shall I jack off on you like the slut you are?” inquires Drax.

After 6 weeks of lying around in bed everyone around Rockey (well his coach and nurse) is pushing for him to get back in to training and reclaim the title. After loosing his wife his motivation is at an all time low. He snaps at the nurse who is only trying to help. “You don’t know what its like!” to some extent he says. She fires back at him, telling him how much worse she’s had it. Her husband was shot when she fell pregnant and before that at aged 13 her father molested her because she had the biggest tits on the block (a claim which Rockey would later make light of). With his problems put in perceptive he calms down and apologises. He then tells her that her touch reminds him a lot of his deceased wife and asks if she wouldn’t mind holding him. She obliges and holds him tight in her arms. He feels comfort in her caring embrace. This of course leads to sex.

With the emotional healing process taken care of, Rockey is ready to get back in the ring. He gets back in to training which consists on mainly jogging. I’m no sports expert so I’m going to assume that is all that is required. Drax on the other hand is a bastard, so the only training he needs is to snort mountains of cocaine with the odd injection of steroids. He gives up on proper training when he couldn’t find the protein powder.

After a few more sex scenes including two featuring Mr Ron Jeremy, we’re in the ring! And he’s straight down! Rockey that is. But he gets up! …and he’s back down. This is not looking good. In fact it’s a bit embarrassing. Eventually he gets to throw a few punches himself. It now looks like he may have a chance. Drax sits down in his corner and demands a pick me up. His coach slips some sort white powder on his mouth guard with zero discretion. Even the commentators see it. Drax gets back up and is straight down! In fact he’s dead. Just like that. But my friends it wasn’t Rockey that killed the beast, no. It was the drugs.

And that’s it. But wait, it isn’t. Butler and Adams come back with something important to say. It turns that this feature was a cautionary tale about the dangers of drug abuse. “If you ever think about smoking cocaine, don’t!” they tell us. Though cocaine isn’t smoked in this film, so I’m not sure why they brought up this method. They then tell us that the industry recently lost a legend because of drug abuse, and that was John C Holmes. Who actually did appear in the first film as Drax’s coach. Although technically Holmes actually died because of the aids virus, though he was an addict for a lot of his later life. I’m not too sure why they said this. Perhaps to get the message across or perhaps it was purely speculation. Despite this I have no objections to the message they are trying to promote, however a porno is an odd place to put it. It kind of reminds of sitcoms aimed at teens from the 90s where there’s always that one episode that tries to tackle a serious subject and has the members of the cast come on at the end to explain everything. In fact I do remember an episode of Saved By The Bell that looked at the dangers of smoking. President Bill Clinton himself came on the at the end to tell us that “Smoking is not cool!” Anyway back to this porno.

Rockey X: The Final Round is a late 80s title that was shot on video. The editing is all over the place and a bit confusing at times. In one shot Rockey is lounging around outside when his coach tries to get him motivated and some what succeeds. This is then followed by Rockey in bed with his nurse complaining how he has been lying there for nearly 6 weeks. With the sex scenes the male/female ratio is 1:1. However the film feels very male dominated, with the all the women reduced to roles such as a girlfriend, nurse or prostitute. Mainly a prostitute. As a parody it can’t really stray to far from the the source material. The original sequels throughout are basically the same; Rocky faces a new challenger, looses, gets back into training and finally has a rematch. At least in Rockey X however we actually get to see the outcome of the fight and not have to wait until the next film.

Though I call this a parody it isn’t really in the sense of a comedy. It’s pretty serious throughout, yet it doesn’t seem to anymore hard hitting than your average soap opera of the time.