Lesbian Fuck Club (2012)

Based on: Fight Club (1999)

“The first rule of fuck club is you DON’T tell the guys about fuck club.” And the second is you do tell the hot girls, so the box art tells us. This is actually a lie. As Lily Cade, the director and star tells us the rules are as follows:

1. No Men (okay so the first was actually true)
2. No Bullshit (not sure why thats a rule)
3. If it’s your first time, you have to fuck (so can you sit it out the next time then?)

Apparently unlike its inspiration, they don’t actually care if you tell anyone. Unless it’s the cops. Though I doubt that’s because there’s been a recent crackdown in illegal lesbian sex fests. But probably because they are using someones warehouse without permission. Do they need a warehouse for a fuck club? I’m not sure. Currently their membership is five people though they are initiating four new members. Although their reasons aren’t too inspiring. They mainly seem to want to try something new. Will anyone be signing up to become full members? I will leave you in suspense for that answer.

Each member takes a newbie off and gives them a darn good seeing to, with the last being seen to by two members so she can fulfil her fantasy of being the Lucky Pierre in a strap-on sandwich. After that the nine girls get together and go nuts sex-wise.

And that sums it up plot wise. The story is almost non existent and this only barely counts as a parody, mainly because of that famous line, and the fact they’ve formed a club. They don’t end up forming some sort of militant group and the person running it doesn’t turn out to be part of the main characters imagination (spoiler). I would have liked to at least find out more about this warehouse. It’s owned by the boss of one of the members, and she would get fired if they found out. Wouldn’t that be an interesting turn of events if said boss suddenly turned up in the middle of it all? And gets wrestled down by nine sex hungry lesbians. Why do they even need a whole warehouse at all? I guess because at least its free. I’ve no idea what kind of fees this “Fuck Club” charges… I know I would be happy to pay them. Wouldn’t it be easier (and more legal) renting out their local community hall? Mondays: Martial Arts, Tuesdays: Spanish, Wednesdays: Lesbian Fuck Club.

Sex wise the film is pretty much non stop. Twosome, Twosome, Twosome, Threesome, Nine-some. And its hot, no complaints there. However, and its a big however. Orgy scenes should always be shot with more than one camera. The big thing that was missing was close ups. When you have 9 people going at it you are never going to get it all. So a second camera capturing all those… finer details would have been nice.

Night of the Groping Dead (2001)

Inspired by: Night of the Living Dead (1968) etc...

The film opens with Ruby LaRocca in an empty laundrette. She has an hour or so to kill so she climbs up onto one of the worktops, sticks her hand down her tights and masturbates. With a few crotch shots we do get to see what lies between her legs, with a piercing shinning through. You would think she was keeping them on in case anyone should walk in. But no, she is fearless, so off with her top. The one handed action is soon over so she follows it up with a half naked catnap. I know if I as making this film and found myself with a launderette to shot in, this is exactly what I would be filming.

Suddenly in walks the janitor, a cheaply made up zombie one no doubt. He spots her and proceeds to molest her butt. This is Night of the Groping Dead, and it’s trash.

After a good feel around he then tries to penetrate her with a dirty broom handle (don’t worry its only simulated as this is a softcore film). This is enough to finally wake her up. She is chased by two more perverted zombies and is soon taken captive by non other than Marquis De Sade who it turns out is building an army of S&M zombies and is looking to recruit with LaRocca in mind. All it takes is a quick ravishing by the sex pest zombies and to have few chunks of flesh bitten off. When we next see her she has red hair and is wearing a Dawn of the Dead t-shirt. She is now an S&M zombie. She then overthrows De Sade by biting his “S&M dick” off and becomes the Queen of the zombies or something. She captures Misty Mundae, has a lesbian affair and soon forgets about world domination instead settling for moving to a trailer park, which I believe is meant to be humorous.

Made in 2001, this softcore cheapy, was left unreleased until 2008 when it featured as an extra for the DVD for An Erotic Werewolf in London (which I reviewed a few weeks back). The film is short at 48 minutes and feels somewhat incomplete, or at least they all just gave up at some point. The film is amateurish, being shot on a handheld DV camera with under lit scenes. It appears to be zero budget, shot in whatever locations they had to hand with the bare minimal spent on costumes and makeup. As the title suggests it’s inspired by zombie films such as the Night of the Living Dead series. However in no way resembling any of the plots. As soon as we see De Sade we it seems to make a complete departure and just becomes silly (not that wasn’t before that point). Instead we get a few direct references, a Dawn of the Dead t-shirt and a Night of Living Dead poster.

How about the sex? It gets as explicit as showing low angle crotch shot but with guys copping an easy feel and dibbling colossal amounts of fake blood makes this as erotic as a day old cheese sandwich. The sex is simulated with the male characters not even bothering to unzip their pants, whilst the two female actresses go full monty allowing themselves to be touched everywhere possible. The film feels at times just an excuse to have some easy feelies. To watch it’s dull and poorly made. Which is probably why it took so long to get released in the first place.

An Erotic Werewolf in London (Shot 2001, Released: 2008)

Warning: May Contain Spoilers!
Based on: An American Werewolf in London (1981)

An American Werewolf in London is not only one of my favourite horror films of all time, it’s one of my favourite films period. Two Americans decide to spend their summer hitchhiking across Europe before they go off to college. Unfortunately they don’t beware the moon enough and come into a slight altercation with a werewolf, leaving one dead with his soul in limbo whilst his buddy is lumped with the werewolf curse. Along the way he falls for a nurse played by the very very sexy Jenny Agutter.

Swoon

Seduction Cinema’s ‘parody’ doesn’t really follow the same story with the DVD case citing An Interview with a Vampire as a comparison (a film I’ve yet to see so I won’t bother bringing it up again). The film opens with what SC is famous for and that’s a softcore lesbian sex scene. Opening in a New Jersey bar we find out that it’s owned by the said couple (Misty Mundae and Ruby Larocca) and apparently it’s a bit of a quiet night. After having sex on the bar and just as they are about to shut for the night, in walks Polish girl Anoushka who needs to call a cab. It will arrive in just 15 minutes, which is plenty of time for Misty to get acquainted, seduce and screw the tourist. It then turns out that of course she is a(n erotic) werewolf. So once an appropriate amount of lovemaking has been done she dons a healthy coat of hair, gives Misty a good bite and slinks off into the night naked. It's unknown if the cab arrives but her girlfriend does manage to nap through the whole ordeal and herself have a sex dream featuring Anoushka.

Misty wakes up in a hospital whilst Anoushka somehow has zipped her way off to London where she has a great desire to tell her whole story to the papers, opting for The Daily Limey (a term which I don’t think anyone has really used since the 60’s). Telling how she would stalk her prey, make love to them and finally get her freak on and go for the kill. The exact thing that Misty is now doing in the hospital. The first of which is nurse Darian Caine who is specifically told by the Doctor to keep her ‘fingers out the pudding’. Which of course she immediately disobey’s in a sensual act of alternative healing that should of gotten her struck off long ago. So in the end we end up with two erotic werewolfs on he prowl both sides of the Atlantic. 

The film is directed by William Hellfire, most famous for directing the obviously offensive Duck! The Carbine High School Massacre, and is one of many softcore lesbian parodies that were made for the cable and video market in the early 2000’s. Other titles included were Erotic Witch Project and Lord of the G-Strings. And being of that era, the low budget production shows more so today, shot in a mix of standard def mini-dv and betacam. I was surprised to see some actual shots in London with some of the actresses (the usual landmarks; Big Ben, Parliament, red phone box). The dialogue and acting are at times terrible with lines such as; “I’ve traveled across the planet to see you,” and “I will always make love to you.” And there's some real goofball humour that at times just doesn't match up with the overall tone. But of course that’s not why we are interested in he film. It’s after all about the sex, the lesbian sex. Which there is plenty of. And at just 68 minutes the film doesn’t really feel too long or too short. The sex itself isn’t exactly outstanding, it’s pretty standard. The scene featuring Darian Caine however I felt had potential and definitely stands out personally. I should also talk about the makeup. Long lush arm and boob hair along with the a set of fangs and claws creates a minimalist illusion of a sapphic she-wolf. Its actually quite effective especially taking into account the budget.

In the end the Erotic Werewolf really has little to do with American Werewolf other than the title. And in fact the whole London shoots feel like a huge missed opportunity. But then we come to the ending. Misty has escaped the hospital and made it back to her girlfriends house, lusting for her. Ruby ties her to the bed and they have sex. The fully riled up Misty breaks free and goes for the kill. As the original erotic werewolf tells the reporter, silver and churches cannot harm them as myths would have you believe but as we soon find out regular bullets seem to do the job just fine. As Ruby stands over the woman she loves, now dead by her own hands, I couldn’t help but think of the ending to American Werewolf. How the one who must ultimately take responsibility for the beast is one who loves them most. Like putting down a beloved pet, or in this case a lover. A beloved lover... The film is heavily dated and is filled with flaws. However it’s still better than the originals sequel: An American Werewolf in Paris!