Hand Solo (2018)

Based on: Solo: A Star Wars Story (2018)

Ah Solo. The Star Wars film that not one asked for. A saying that implies that that is a bad thing. However no one really asked the first Star Wars and look how that turned out. But in this case, not many people were too excited about Solo either. But why not, after all Han is one of the most beloved characters. Perhaps it’s Disney’s fault. Ever since they acquired the rights to the franchise they have being going nuts with a new sequel trilogy, Rogue One, Rebels and Resistance animated series and much more on it’s way. They are reeling out an excessive amount in such a small amount of time that it’s given even the most harden fans a bit of fatigue. Plus lumped in with the fact that there had been much disappointment with the way the sequel trilogy was handled, the latest of which had only been released about 6 months before Solo.

I won’t ever proclaim to being the biggest Star Wars fan, but I do love the series. Rebels is a fantastic show and I am hugely looking forward to the Mandalorian series this November. However with Solo, like most, I wasn’t expecting much. There have many story’s already about a young Han, there’s even a Han Solo novel trilogy, so this movie isn’t exactly breaking new ground. Yet it didn’t seem right, perhaps it was someone other than Harrison Ford playing Solo, perhaps it felt like an easy cash in on a beloved character, or perhaps it was just unnecessary. That’s exactly how the prequel trilogy felt to me at times. Unnecessary. It seems to me sometimes that the formula for a Star Wars prequel was to find a spoken line in the original films that refers to the past and make that in to something. When Obi-Wan said, “Your father and I fought in the clone wars,” that become a 5+ season animated series (albeit a very good one). So this film pretty much as expected would be about how Han made the “Kessel run in less than twelve parsecs.” Or at least that was a small part of it. In fact everything you could image a young Han Solo film be about, pretty much happens in this movie. How Han met Chewy, how Han met Lando, how Han first came across the Millennium Falcon, how Han won Falcon from Lando, how Han did the Kessel run… Everything of significance that we all know of Hans past, happens in this movie, and bizarrely all happens in the same week!

Despite that Solo actually is a good movie. It’s at the very least entertaining. I wasn’t disappointed. But still it felt unnecessary, a shameless nostalgia cash in. Speaking of which…

Digital Playgrounds’s Hand Solo. Made just one month before Solo was released this parody follows an original plot but interestingly have a few parallels.

The film on the DVD starts bizarrely with a trailer self promoting itself. After the familar In a Galaxy Long Ago text we go straight into the story. Han Solo (Danny D) works in a dead-end job as a barman in a strip club. He over hears about a job to retrieve some Spice from a cargo ship that has been attacked and abandoned. It’s a job that could lead to fame and fortune, but its also a dangerous job that no one is willing to take. A stripper called Rina (Valentina Nappi) who wields a lightsaber, and may or may not be a Jedi, wants to tag along. There’s a clear sexual tension between the two. The only thing he needs now is a ship. Solo spots his dear old friend Lando (or Bando depending on who’s talking) (Isiah Maxwell) sitting right next to him and sees an opportunity.

At Rina’s insistence they play game of chance. Han isn’t too pleased by the choice of game, but it’s quicker than a game of Sabacc. If Han wins they get to borrow Lando’s ship (a Millennium Falcon clone with wings tacked on), if they loose Lando gets to screw Rina. Lando roles a dice annnnnd he wins.This would of course been a good time for Rina to put her Jedi skills to use and cheat, however we later find that despite all her efforts she’s still quite useless. Even though it would been futile she could of at least tried. But then this is a porno, so screwing comes first. Solo slinks off whilst the two get it on. Rina doesn’t seem too displeased with the outcome, perhaps that’s the way she wanted it. As the two undress, Rina unbuckles her belt carrying her lightsaber and with a great thump tosses it somewhere on the floor. She really is a terrible Jedi. Yes sex is the focus right now, but thats no way to treat a weapon. And you have to be pretty confident in your surroundings to just toss it aside. Anyway half an hour later the story carries on. Whilst Lando basks in the afterglow of poon, Rina grabs the start up codes for his ship. Either way the bet was pure win-win, for her at least.

 Solo, who apparently was going solo on himself the whole time, and Rina ‘borrow’ the ‘Falcon’ and head off to Kessel. Its dashboard comes complete with an array of vintage video game joysticks. They soon meet two of Lando’s crew; a bespectacled lass I believe called Nomi (Athena Palomino), donned in A New Hope era Solo uniform, and a wookie called Screwbacca, who seems to have the hots for Rina. After jumping through hyper space and fighting through an astroid field it’s high time for more sex. This time it’s Han and Nomi. Rina and Screwy also do get it on, but that encounter is left to our imaginations.

After the session is complete they make it to the abandoned cargo ship. They are soon finished but have to hurry as their oxygen tanks are almost empty. Suddenly Boba (or Choda) Fett turns up with a red chick (Carly Rae), who also want the booty. Han throws away his oxygen mask away as that seems to no longer be an issue. They duke it out until the Empire turns up. Boba flees in the Falcon taking the girls with him, Whilst Han and Screwy are captured. The red alien chick doesn’t much appreciate working for Boba and so teams up with Rina and Nomi to save Han and Screwball. Reddy and Nomi offers Fett their bodies if he agrees to turn the ship around. Another thump is heard giving me deja vu, this time Nomi throwing aside her glasses. What’s with these girls? After the threeway, they go back and save the day. In which Rina finally proves herself to have some sort of Jedi powers by making her saber fly into her grasp. Reunited, Han and Rina have sex, whilst no doubt everyone else waits around so they can at last leave. The film ends with everyone having a celebration party back at the strip club. With Black Sun, the gang who wanted the spice in the first place, pleased it looks like more work is on the way for Solo from the Hutts.

There are a few similarities with the film it’s based on, they seem to check a few of the same expected plot points. How Han met Chewy, the 12 parsec thing and even both ending with them being in line for more work from the Hutts. Han even dons the iconic ensemble we see in Star Wars being a good lead in. Which seems to fit fine being it used to be Nomis. The film is also littered with familiar lines from the original series; “Never tell me the odds,” “Aren’t you a bit short for a Storm trooper?” etc… Which seems like a good nod, however kind of feels out of place. The set pieces and costumes are all fantastic, especially the Wookiee costume, and I was quiet impressed with the battle scenes on board the ships. Outside the ships we see some pretty basic but respectable CGI, however its kept to minimal and is in keeping with the budget. If I was to change anything it would perhaps have a few external shot scenes on a planet, however this doesn’t particularly fit in with the plot.

On to the actors; For Solo we have a fairly international cast; American, British and Italian. Quality of acting varies, some great, some poor. Nappi’s accent sometimes makes it hard to hear what shes actually saying. Danny D, I must does a good job as the young Solo. The girls are overall pretty good looking, I especially like Nappi and she’s looks fantastically sexy in her uniform. I wish I could of seen more of the British woman (not sure of her name) at the end who played the Imperial Officer, however she stays fully clothed.

Sex scene wise we get 3 M/F couples and one M/F/F threesome. Its mainly standard stuff, perhaps they could have been cut down and bit and given a bit more variety. I felt the threeway has deeply lacking in girl on girl interaction, though the whole point of the scene was to please Fett, not each other. And of course this is just my personal preference. The final scene could would have made a fantastic orgy scene especially if it included the girls we don’t see get naked. Maybe we could even see Screwy get some action, or would that be too weird?

Despite all that its a very accomplished piece, but then this isn’t DPs first foray into the world of Star Wars as they have had two other titles, Star Wars: The Last Temptation and a piece with original characters; Star Wars: Underworld. If they made another, I would certainly welcome it. And I should also mention the DVD artwork is too a fantastic imitation of the Solo poster. I’d say if you had DVD sitting on your shelf it would be quite a while before someone noticed it was porn.

Rockey X: The Final Round (1988)

Based on: Rocky series (1976-present)

Bizarrely the opening has a different spelling for Rockey.

So first off, I have not seen the first film. Second; this is a sequel. Probably should have mentioned that first. Of course there’s always that joke when it comes to porno, “Oh I haven’t seen the previous films so I might not follow the story. LOL.” However this isn’t Spooge Tits Part 32, or any nonsense like that. No. It’s Rockey X, and it has a story, albeit a very simple one. And thankfully you pretty much get the gist of the originals story.

The film starts with boxer Rockey Laguna (Jerry Butler) bedridden after getting brutally beaten by Drax Spago (Buck Adams), loosing the title. Waking up from unconsciousness he is immediately told his beloved wife was killed in a car accident. Upon hearing this, Laguna instantly reminisces getting blown by her. However before all that we are introduced to this nemesis Drax Spago, who is dressed like a reject from Warriors with a rather flashy fishing lure hanging from his face. He’s busy growling at a poor woman to stop touching him, but instead simply bite his cock off. We can instantly get an idea of what kind of guy he is, a total dick.

“Shall I jack off on you like the slut you are?” inquires Drax.

After 6 weeks of lying around in bed everyone around Rockey (well his coach and nurse) is pushing for him to get back in to training and reclaim the title. After loosing his wife his motivation is at an all time low. He snaps at the nurse who is only trying to help. “You don’t know what its like!” to some extent he says. She fires back at him, telling him how much worse she’s had it. Her husband was shot when she fell pregnant and before that at aged 13 her father molested her because she had the biggest tits on the block (a claim which Rockey would later make light of). With his problems put in perceptive he calms down and apologises. He then tells her that her touch reminds him a lot of his deceased wife and asks if she wouldn’t mind holding him. She obliges and holds him tight in her arms. He feels comfort in her caring embrace. This of course leads to sex.

With the emotional healing process taken care of, Rockey is ready to get back in the ring. He gets back in to training which consists on mainly jogging. I’m no sports expert so I’m going to assume that is all that is required. Drax on the other hand is a bastard, so the only training he needs is to snort mountains of cocaine with the odd injection of steroids. He gives up on proper training when he couldn’t find the protein powder.

After a few more sex scenes including two featuring Mr Ron Jeremy, we’re in the ring! And he’s straight down! Rockey that is. But he gets up! …and he’s back down. This is not looking good. In fact it’s a bit embarrassing. Eventually he gets to throw a few punches himself. It now looks like he may have a chance. Drax sits down in his corner and demands a pick me up. His coach slips some sort white powder on his mouth guard with zero discretion. Even the commentators see it. Drax gets back up and is straight down! In fact he’s dead. Just like that. But my friends it wasn’t Rockey that killed the beast, no. It was the drugs.

And that’s it. But wait, it isn’t. Butler and Adams come back with something important to say. It turns that this feature was a cautionary tale about the dangers of drug abuse. “If you ever think about smoking cocaine, don’t!” they tell us. Though cocaine isn’t smoked in this film, so I’m not sure why they brought up this method. They then tell us that the industry recently lost a legend because of drug abuse, and that was John C Holmes. Who actually did appear in the first film as Drax’s coach. Although technically Holmes actually died because of the aids virus, though he was an addict for a lot of his later life. I’m not too sure why they said this. Perhaps to get the message across or perhaps it was purely speculation. Despite this I have no objections to the message they are trying to promote, however a porno is an odd place to put it. It kind of reminds of sitcoms aimed at teens from the 90s where there’s always that one episode that tries to tackle a serious subject and has the members of the cast come on at the end to explain everything. In fact I do remember an episode of Saved By The Bell that looked at the dangers of smoking. President Bill Clinton himself came on the at the end to tell us that “Smoking is not cool!” Anyway back to this porno.

Rockey X: The Final Round is a late 80s title that was shot on video. The editing is all over the place and a bit confusing at times. In one shot Rockey is lounging around outside when his coach tries to get him motivated and some what succeeds. This is then followed by Rockey in bed with his nurse complaining how he has been lying there for nearly 6 weeks. With the sex scenes the male/female ratio is 1:1. However the film feels very male dominated, with the all the women reduced to roles such as a girlfriend, nurse or prostitute. Mainly a prostitute. As a parody it can’t really stray to far from the the source material. The original sequels throughout are basically the same; Rocky faces a new challenger, looses, gets back into training and finally has a rematch. At least in Rockey X however we actually get to see the outcome of the fight and not have to wait until the next film.

Though I call this a parody it isn’t really in the sense of a comedy. It’s pretty serious throughout, yet it doesn’t seem to anymore hard hitting than your average soap opera of the time.

An Erotic Werewolf in London (Shot 2001, Released: 2008)

Warning: May Contain Spoilers!
Based on: An American Werewolf in London (1981)

An American Werewolf in London is not only one of my favourite horror films of all time, it’s one of my favourite films period. Two Americans decide to spend their summer hitchhiking across Europe before they go off to college. Unfortunately they don’t beware the moon enough and come into a slight altercation with a werewolf, leaving one dead with his soul in limbo whilst his buddy is lumped with the werewolf curse. Along the way he falls for a nurse played by the very very sexy Jenny Agutter.

Swoon

Seduction Cinema’s ‘parody’ doesn’t really follow the same story with the DVD case citing An Interview with a Vampire as a comparison (a film I’ve yet to see so I won’t bother bringing it up again). The film opens with what SC is famous for and that’s a softcore lesbian sex scene. Opening in a New Jersey bar we find out that it’s owned by the said couple (Misty Mundae and Ruby Larocca) and apparently it’s a bit of a quiet night. After having sex on the bar and just as they are about to shut for the night, in walks Polish girl Anoushka who needs to call a cab. It will arrive in just 15 minutes, which is plenty of time for Misty to get acquainted, seduce and screw the tourist. It then turns out that of course she is a(n erotic) werewolf. So once an appropriate amount of lovemaking has been done she dons a healthy coat of hair, gives Misty a good bite and slinks off into the night naked. It's unknown if the cab arrives but her girlfriend does manage to nap through the whole ordeal and herself have a sex dream featuring Anoushka.

Misty wakes up in a hospital whilst Anoushka somehow has zipped her way off to London where she has a great desire to tell her whole story to the papers, opting for The Daily Limey (a term which I don’t think anyone has really used since the 60’s). Telling how she would stalk her prey, make love to them and finally get her freak on and go for the kill. The exact thing that Misty is now doing in the hospital. The first of which is nurse Darian Caine who is specifically told by the Doctor to keep her ‘fingers out the pudding’. Which of course she immediately disobey’s in a sensual act of alternative healing that should of gotten her struck off long ago. So in the end we end up with two erotic werewolfs on he prowl both sides of the Atlantic. 

The film is directed by William Hellfire, most famous for directing the obviously offensive Duck! The Carbine High School Massacre, and is one of many softcore lesbian parodies that were made for the cable and video market in the early 2000’s. Other titles included were Erotic Witch Project and Lord of the G-Strings. And being of that era, the low budget production shows more so today, shot in a mix of standard def mini-dv and betacam. I was surprised to see some actual shots in London with some of the actresses (the usual landmarks; Big Ben, Parliament, red phone box). The dialogue and acting are at times terrible with lines such as; “I’ve traveled across the planet to see you,” and “I will always make love to you.” And there's some real goofball humour that at times just doesn't match up with the overall tone. But of course that’s not why we are interested in he film. It’s after all about the sex, the lesbian sex. Which there is plenty of. And at just 68 minutes the film doesn’t really feel too long or too short. The sex itself isn’t exactly outstanding, it’s pretty standard. The scene featuring Darian Caine however I felt had potential and definitely stands out personally. I should also talk about the makeup. Long lush arm and boob hair along with the a set of fangs and claws creates a minimalist illusion of a sapphic she-wolf. Its actually quite effective especially taking into account the budget.

In the end the Erotic Werewolf really has little to do with American Werewolf other than the title. And in fact the whole London shoots feel like a huge missed opportunity. But then we come to the ending. Misty has escaped the hospital and made it back to her girlfriends house, lusting for her. Ruby ties her to the bed and they have sex. The fully riled up Misty breaks free and goes for the kill. As the original erotic werewolf tells the reporter, silver and churches cannot harm them as myths would have you believe but as we soon find out regular bullets seem to do the job just fine. As Ruby stands over the woman she loves, now dead by her own hands, I couldn’t help but think of the ending to American Werewolf. How the one who must ultimately take responsibility for the beast is one who loves them most. Like putting down a beloved pet, or in this case a lover. A beloved lover... The film is heavily dated and is filled with flaws. However it’s still better than the originals sequel: An American Werewolf in Paris!